The pointlessness of it all
I know that I should be grateful that I have such good friends, ones who listen to my ideas and such, but I really dont feel good about it right now. Lucia and Ashley are really getting to me, I dont know why but I want to just die. I dont like sounding like this. Im normally optimistic, not like this. I havent been suicidal for months now. I really want to cut again, Lucia started me on that. Freshman year. Now feels worse though, Im alone. She is barely a friend to me, not anywhere near where we used to be. I dont understand why, I cant understand why. I feel like its my fault she left, like she is paying me back for leaving her for a year.
I wanted her to make friends. But I didnt want this. *screams* I was trying to get away from her, and now all I can think about is how it used to be. We never had a relationship, it was a friendship with benefits. Nothing more. She wanted more, but I couldnt give it to her. She wanted to come out, tell the world who she was and I was holding her back. Im so selfish. She made me happy and now all I want to do is cry when I think about it.
When I get like this, I tend to listen to the same song on repeat for days. Example: 'Go' by Garbage, 'Feeling This' by Blink 182, and now its 'Scars' by Papa Roach. Thats all. Pathetic. Thats how I feel, like a loser someone who cant pull themself up off the ground, Im falling again, and I dont like it. Not one bit.
I just want to know why, why did this happen to me, now when I was most vulnerable. I dont even know why I go on. I just want to die, leave, make this pain stop. I hate it so much. I need to scream, to hit something, make someone else hurt, get drunk and high. Forget who I am for a night at least. Wake up in a different city, somewhere far away where I am just another stranger wandering the streets trying to find herself. I wish I had my best friend back. I remember when I would go to her house for dinner and afterwards we would go up to her bedroom and just fuck for hours. It was pure estacy. We were discovering ourselves and each others. We held each other up through those hard times, and now that she has another hand to hold, Ive been forgotten, and left for dead.
Why does she think I can take this? She has never known this hurt, at least she has never known it the way I do.
She has weekend sleep overs with Ashley, I dont even remember the last time I slept at her house and had fun. She calls her 'love', I used to have pet names, like 'boo', 'bean', 'frijolita', 'darling', 'love'. Now im just Sarah. Thats all. She text messages Ashley every chance she gets, and Im second choice. If I called her right now, she wouldnt come if I needed her. I need her. I need someone to trust, to talk to, to be able to open up to. I want someone that I can openly cry to. Someone to hold me when the worst comes and not to just pity me but to genuinly care. Someone who would want to avenge me, and protect me. I need drugs. I want drugs. I take enough (legal) drugs to make it possible to die that way, but mom took all the alcohol out of the house when Walter came, but he left ages ago.
I see them holding hands and I just wanna die. They hug and kiss and rub it in my face like Im not even there. I shouldnt be around them. I really dont know about that anymore. How long has it been since we were the E. One for all.
She still has my hand cuffs. Using them with Ashley. I bought them for us. Now I just want to bitch slap her with them. She assumes that I bought them for sexual purposes and now she assumes they are hers. No, I dont think so. Im getting those back. I want to be friends but as long as this is going on I dont know if I can. I would be fine with telling Boy and Jenna but not Cassie and Little One. Cassie is really nice to me as she is everyone but she is so innocent as is Little One. I want the pain to be over. I want this feeling in my chest that causes me to convulse with hatred to leave forever. Who am I anymore? Am I infact someone who feels and cares. The only reason that I dont say anything to them about this is that they are happy and friends want each other to be happy. Right?
I dont know, I just dont know......