A Travellerspoint blog

Hating yourself

The pointlessness of it all

I know that I should be grateful that I have such good friends, ones who listen to my ideas and such, but I really dont feel good about it right now. Lucia and Ashley are really getting to me, I dont know why but I want to just die. I dont like sounding like this. Im normally optimistic, not like this. I havent been suicidal for months now. I really want to cut again, Lucia started me on that. Freshman year. Now feels worse though, Im alone. She is barely a friend to me, not anywhere near where we used to be. I dont understand why, I cant understand why. I feel like its my fault she left, like she is paying me back for leaving her for a year.

I wanted her to make friends. But I didnt want this. *screams* I was trying to get away from her, and now all I can think about is how it used to be. We never had a relationship, it was a friendship with benefits. Nothing more. She wanted more, but I couldnt give it to her. She wanted to come out, tell the world who she was and I was holding her back. Im so selfish. She made me happy and now all I want to do is cry when I think about it.

When I get like this, I tend to listen to the same song on repeat for days. Example: 'Go' by Garbage, 'Feeling This' by Blink 182, and now its 'Scars' by Papa Roach. Thats all. Pathetic. Thats how I feel, like a loser someone who cant pull themself up off the ground, Im falling again, and I dont like it. Not one bit.

I just want to know why, why did this happen to me, now when I was most vulnerable. I dont even know why I go on. I just want to die, leave, make this pain stop. I hate it so much. I need to scream, to hit something, make someone else hurt, get drunk and high. Forget who I am for a night at least. Wake up in a different city, somewhere far away where I am just another stranger wandering the streets trying to find herself. I wish I had my best friend back. I remember when I would go to her house for dinner and afterwards we would go up to her bedroom and just fuck for hours. It was pure estacy. We were discovering ourselves and each others. We held each other up through those hard times, and now that she has another hand to hold, Ive been forgotten, and left for dead.

Why does she think I can take this? She has never known this hurt, at least she has never known it the way I do.

She has weekend sleep overs with Ashley, I dont even remember the last time I slept at her house and had fun. She calls her 'love', I used to have pet names, like 'boo', 'bean', 'frijolita', 'darling', 'love'. Now im just Sarah. Thats all. She text messages Ashley every chance she gets, and Im second choice. If I called her right now, she wouldnt come if I needed her. I need her. I need someone to trust, to talk to, to be able to open up to. I want someone that I can openly cry to. Someone to hold me when the worst comes and not to just pity me but to genuinly care. Someone who would want to avenge me, and protect me. I need drugs. I want drugs. I take enough (legal) drugs to make it possible to die that way, but mom took all the alcohol out of the house when Walter came, but he left ages ago.

I see them holding hands and I just wanna die. They hug and kiss and rub it in my face like Im not even there. I shouldnt be around them. I really dont know about that anymore. How long has it been since we were the E. One for all.

She still has my hand cuffs. Using them with Ashley. I bought them for us. Now I just want to bitch slap her with them. She assumes that I bought them for sexual purposes and now she assumes they are hers. No, I dont think so. Im getting those back. I want to be friends but as long as this is going on I dont know if I can. I would be fine with telling Boy and Jenna but not Cassie and Little One. Cassie is really nice to me as she is everyone but she is so innocent as is Little One. I want the pain to be over. I want this feeling in my chest that causes me to convulse with hatred to leave forever. Who am I anymore? Am I infact someone who feels and cares. The only reason that I dont say anything to them about this is that they are happy and friends want each other to be happy. Right?

I dont know, I just dont know......

Posted by anabellee 22:47 Comments (0)

Losing to temptation

If I was given the chance....

Still Friday, I really want to hang out with those two people who sit ahead of me in International Business. They are probably already in a basement somewhere, getting wasted and high. What am I up to tonight? Going to the one act plays at my high school and then off to the Truck Stop. I will probably remember everything that happens, not have to worry about being pregnant or need to wear sunglasses tomarrow. SAVE ME!!!!

After school today, Lucia and I were hanging out in the Orchestra room, just doing our homework. Ashley called as normal, Laura listened to her music as usual, I silently screamed as usual, just another day in the life. I have no life to speak of. Im just waiting for my appeals letter to return from University of Minnesota - Twin Cities, and than my life will go from there or stop from there.

I cant say that I havent thought about it, dying, its part of every second of everyday. In freshman year, it was my number one problem. Lucia and I both had the same problems, she draged me into her dark, dank hole and I allowed her to. I felt bad for her, sitting alone, dressed in black, never speaking. I just had to find out what she was. She is something, what I dont know. All I know is that she isnt mine anymore. I really didnt want her anymore anyway. She was a clinger, so fragil, imposible to hold without breaking.

I am begining to wonder if my friends are real friends. We hang out, and talk. Its nice, but its not like friends Ive had in the past. My old best friend, Hanna, could talk to me for hours about something deep and meaningful. We would discuss the apocolipse or modern mythology. Star Wars and Star Trek: Voyager were our things, Indiana Jones too. We showed each other different worlds, mine the one of art and literature, hers the one of religon and love.

I miss those innocent days of middle school.

Posted by anabellee 15:05 Comments (0)

When teens attack....

Friday, need I say more? The most magical night of the week, especially in the winter. A pure black sky highlighted by dots of white just floating down to bury the world. I dont like the snow. On TV its okay, innocent, harmless. But in real life, show is like carbon monoxide, the silent killer. It covers everything, trying to suffocated the world, purify it even. Foolish snow, trying the impossible.

In one of my classes, I sit behind these two people, a boy and a girl. They are always talking about something cliche of teens: sex, drugs, getting wasted, smoking.... As much as I want to fight the conformists, the status quo, the stero types that Ive been shooting down for my entire life, they have something that appeals to me. Mystery, perhaps, something Ive never experienced as many other teen my age have. It makes perfect sense as to why I want this, the forbidiness of it all. The comercials for products that we cant have, tobacco and alcohol, target our age group, showing people no older than 21 drinking and smoking in some Manhattan or LA night club. Pathetic. That doesnt happen in real life...

Tonight, I dont know what Ill do. Hopefully my mom will sleep at her pimp's house, allowing me to throw the kegger Ive been planning all week. No, Ill probably just stay home and watch some depressing movie or read or write or something. Lucia wont hang out with me, shes will be with her girlfriend. At least shes coming to my house for Christmas.

Okay, dirty joke time...Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year!

Horrid, I know. Thats what you get for staying up until 2 am on Christmas eve.

I wish there was a show tonight. In my city/town/nowhere, we only have one scene for rock and roll. The Eagles Club. Not the best venue, but it still gets some good bands. On the 30th Im going to see Patterns in Static, very nice.

Friday. The day of judgment for the weekend....

Posted by anabellee 08:14 Comments (0)

Fuck the Future

It really doesnt make much sense to me. I think im a nice person, all around and such, but I get so mean over such small things. Rediculous things. Maybe I just need to be on my own for a while, go somewhere new, be someone else...This person is kinda annoying, but running away from yourself never works.

I remember the first time I tried to "run away". Freshman year. I had heard about foreign exchange, the popularity, and I really hated my mom at the time, so i thought, "why not, lets go". By the time I actually got around to going, it was too late. I didnt want to leave, I didnt have a problem with my mom anymore. But I went anyway, found a whole new world in a different hemisphere....Now I want to runaway to there. See my friends, party in the desert, get so drunk i dont know who i am (dont take that the wrong way, i am against alcohol and drugs, but sometimes i just wanna do it anyway).

Walter was always there, Friday nights, walking for hours, going the the silver mine ruins and just watching the city breathe. Beautiful. The cold night outside my bedroom window, seeing all the lights stretch over the hills and down to the coast. Listening to the late night parties down the street, watching the drunks make their way home, singing. Seeing the homeless still asleep as I walked to school each morning. Daydreaming of vampires as I walked home at 2 am from the Mexicanada.... The first time I got wasted in the hills on the 22nd of this month, having two strangers help me pee. Seeing the sun set over Valle de la Luna, imagining the Atacamanian tribes holding rituals in the canyon.

I have to go back, I will go back.

Posted by anabellee 08:00 Comments (0)

Death Filled Memories

I dont even know what to think about anymore when it comes to Lucia. How is it that I can be forgotten so quickly?

I know that this is partially my fault since i left her, all alone, but still, she was my best friend she knows everything about me.... I feel like someone has tricked me or something. Now that she is with Ashley, she is a part of our every dying circle. I like Ashley, shes a great person, and is obiously a better....friend with benefits.... than I am. But that is who I am.

Ashley is a passive innocent child, beautiful and kind. I am not innocent and not passive (altough i wish i had those capabilities). With Lucia, I was always on top, we would have our little things, it was wonderful. Now, im lucky to see Lucia once a week outside of school without Ashley there. I wouldnt have given my experience in Chile up for the world but I still miss what I had with Lucia. She was always there for me, we got through freshman year together. I am here because of her.

My rock is slowly turning into sand, and I cant do shit about it...........

Posted by anabellee 07:53 Comments (0)

(Entries 6 - 10 of 11) « Page 1 [2] 3 »