A Travellerspoint blog

By this Author: anabellee

Its like my life is 5 rolled into one...

Spring break is over, now i really have to care... not fair. NOT FAIR! I really know that this is temporary, i really do, but i am just waiting to wake up one morning and not finding any reason to get out of bed. I mean, graduation, sure, but i dont really care. about graduating that is. what does it matter? humans invented this schooling shit, why should i have to live by these fucked up rules?

I know its my fault, but i really dont want to take my tempts test again. i really need someone. virtual, 3D whatever. god anything from keeping the stupid thoughts away. you know what i mean. the ones that just infultrait every crevass, every corner with saftey pins and razors and sleeping pills with too much vodka. I should be grateful that my mom doesnt keep alcohol in the house anymore. i guess. i would be so wasted if i had the choice... at least freshman year i wasnt alone, but now i am, i really am. no one gets it, no one wants to hear it. i just i really dont know anymore. i just can go on like this. feeling this too much longer. this hate, this pain. so deep, far far down i cant get at it, not with anything, not even the idiot box numbs me for long anymore. no one get its.


i just want to die, kill me, someone anyone. i dont want this i cant, i just cant. i cant tell my mom about laura, i cant take the shame the look she would give me. I would be her 'sarah' anymore, i would be someone else. her gay confused kid. not the one she can tell her friends about. the one who gets A+'s on term papers. the one who earned enough money to go abroad. no her confused little dyke. oh fuck me. this is just bull shit fucking bull shit. school is about as important as life, not at all. i just, i just cant. . . do anything... nothing. i cant even pick up a safety pin anymore without the memories. the fear of being sucked back into that vortex of pain that overlaps all the other pain. right now im just holding onto the ledge of the normal world, but my arms are so tired. i just want to fall, i need a little more time to stop caring. then i can drop out, let my whole family hate me. not go to college, not do anything, maybe run away.. where? mexico, maybe, chile i dont know. my life is just too much.

shut up shut up, i know everyone's life is hard, im not special. no not special. just sarah, the girl with long brown hair and a stubborn personality. i wish i could show this to laura, but she is too far gone, so far away from me. i dont even know her anymore. she has changed so much.

i almost walked home today. 5 miles. my legs only burned the first 3 or so. you know how fat i am? i am 5'5" and weigh 175. pretty damn fat. a year ago, in chile, i miss it so fucking much, i was 150.

i need a bullet. just one, just one...

Posted by anabellee 18:35 Comments (0)

Will this end?

Today I went to a baby shower. It was extreamly boring, just a bunch of women and a few unlucky men. Im really happy for rachel she seems like a really nice kid, but i dont know, i guess i just wasnt in the mood for that today. I did meet Jim's sister's kids. Like 15 and 17, Meg and Nick. Good guys. Kinda like me. Smart, love music but not rap, emo or country. Their mom is just wonderful, really nice and such. I invited them to come to the truck stop with the E later, but i dont think they will. Its okay though, they are in town to see family and if thats what they want to do, more power to them... Im kinda done I think. I feel so weak and stupid, like i should have seen this coming all along. Maybe i secretly wanted all this to happen to me. But there is no way that I could have known about all this pain. I really wish i had someone to talk to. Nick seems really nice. He wouldnt let me hold the door for him and let me go first. Kinda like Felipe. I also saw Nick watching me a lot today. I really need someone to like me but I know that I cant pretend to think that someone likes me, especially someone like Nick. Tall, tall, dark handsome, i asume he wears contacts, he plays the guitar and is in the same state I am, a poorer kid a wealthy school. Can you believe that lunch is OPTIONAL at his school. Horrid.

Posted by anabellee 17:11 Comments (0)

Here again....

Its been a few months since Ive felt this feeling. It really did get better, why? I dont know. It just did. I am just so....alone.

None of them get it. I went away and they went away too. But i would have come back to them for the most part, i would have been there for my mom. definetly. and for lucia, i would have been there unless it didnt work out. I feel that she is just twisting the knife. She knows it hurts me, if she was a true friend then she wouldnt hurt me like this, would she? She used to be there for me all the time, no matter what and now she has just abandoned me emotionally and physically. I hate this, why cant i just smile? I feel like someone is pulling my teeth out when I smile, its akward and unatural, like dresses.

They just dont know. I stand this pain, their pain, the pain and hate that they have given me. tax free. But if i am to make a mistake or take a wrong step then there is no end to what i have to pay. Like when I made the E's myspace, i forgot invite Ashley. Laura kept telling me over and over how much i hurt her feelings. well, FUCK THAT!!!! she hurts me every minute.

For the school play, lucia was in it. Although this was odd for her because she is not the most social creature in the world, I supported her so much. She would yell at me and tell me to leave her alone. On opening night, i wanted to make sure that ashley didnt buy her the same thing that i did. so i called ashley and asked her what she was buying lucia. she said that she didnt have time and so i felt bad for bringing it up in the first place. i dont know if it was all the drugs i take or just my stupidity, but i asked her if she wanted me to pick something up for her. she said yes, a red rose. i was there when she gave it to her. they just hug and kiss and lucia wraps her legs around ashley, in public, while im right next to them... i know lucia isnt stupid, she should know what this does to me, i try not to let it show, but its so hard....

nothing more to write now, going to commit movie suicide

Posted by anabellee 19:17 Comments (0)

save me from this pit of hell

Alright, going back down again. Lucia just gave me a ride home and now I feel like dying again. She is so ignorant to my pain, she thinks that just after Halloween it just went away. She wasnt hurt because she traded in the old model for a new one. What did I get? pain pain and more pain. I went to Chile, all alone, for a year. It took me months to get over the depresion and shock of the new culture, at least 2 until I actually went out and did things. She had our friends here to take care of her and cheer her up. No one in Chile could understand my pain. At least then I had someone who loved me.

So I get home, so excited to see her again, even with all the clingyness that came along with it, and we started again. Barely 3 weeks after I got home, her 'good friend' asks her out on a date. We tell her about us and then im just done.

What a fool I am. This was never a "real" relationship, but still we were close and now whenever she touches me I just freeze and hold back the tears until Im alone. I want to hate her, maybe I do for what she did to me. But I cant condemn her for loving someone. The way she did it was just wrong though. She never actually said that it was over between the two of us. She just stopped being intimite with me.

Funny, really, in the begining, I didnt want to betray Ashley so I refused to do anything with her. Even though this hurt me a lot, I just took it. I dont know what I was thinking. Lucia told me that Ashley said it was "okay" to do things since we were together first. So we did, for a while, then Lucia just stopped. I tried, but she would just ignore me or pretend I wasnt doing anything, but never told me to stop or that she didnt want this anymore. I dont get it.

Maybe our relationship was just about the sex and then when we broke up the friends thing didnt work because of how hurt I was. I need help from someone, ANYONE!!!!!!!!

Posted by anabellee 13:49 Comments (1)

The Morning After

I can remember it....

Last night I was such a mess. Now its gone, I dont want to think about it today. I will do presents today and I will do homework and then at night I will go to rent some videos and fall asleep in front of the TV. The night is so evil. Is it the night or the winter? I dont know. Im going now, go and do something.

Posted by anabellee 09:20 Comments (0)

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