Its been a few months since Ive felt this feeling. It really did get better, why? I dont know. It just did. I am just so....alone.
None of them get it. I went away and they went away too. But i would have come back to them for the most part, i would have been there for my mom. definetly. and for lucia, i would have been there unless it didnt work out. I feel that she is just twisting the knife. She knows it hurts me, if she was a true friend then she wouldnt hurt me like this, would she? She used to be there for me all the time, no matter what and now she has just abandoned me emotionally and physically. I hate this, why cant i just smile? I feel like someone is pulling my teeth out when I smile, its akward and unatural, like dresses.
They just dont know. I stand this pain, their pain, the pain and hate that they have given me. tax free. But if i am to make a mistake or take a wrong step then there is no end to what i have to pay. Like when I made the E's myspace, i forgot invite Ashley. Laura kept telling me over and over how much i hurt her feelings. well, FUCK THAT!!!! she hurts me every minute.
For the school play, lucia was in it. Although this was odd for her because she is not the most social creature in the world, I supported her so much. She would yell at me and tell me to leave her alone. On opening night, i wanted to make sure that ashley didnt buy her the same thing that i did. so i called ashley and asked her what she was buying lucia. she said that she didnt have time and so i felt bad for bringing it up in the first place. i dont know if it was all the drugs i take or just my stupidity, but i asked her if she wanted me to pick something up for her. she said yes, a red rose. i was there when she gave it to her. they just hug and kiss and lucia wraps her legs around ashley, in public, while im right next to them... i know lucia isnt stupid, she should know what this does to me, i try not to let it show, but its so hard....
nothing more to write now, going to commit movie suicide