Spring break is over, now i really have to care... not fair. NOT FAIR! I really know that this is temporary, i really do, but i am just waiting to wake up one morning and not finding any reason to get out of bed. I mean, graduation, sure, but i dont really care. about graduating that is. what does it matter? humans invented this schooling shit, why should i have to live by these fucked up rules?
I know its my fault, but i really dont want to take my tempts test again. i really need someone. virtual, 3D whatever. god anything from keeping the stupid thoughts away. you know what i mean. the ones that just infultrait every crevass, every corner with saftey pins and razors and sleeping pills with too much vodka. I should be grateful that my mom doesnt keep alcohol in the house anymore. i guess. i would be so wasted if i had the choice... at least freshman year i wasnt alone, but now i am, i really am. no one gets it, no one wants to hear it. i just i really dont know anymore. i just can go on like this. feeling this too much longer. this hate, this pain. so deep, far far down i cant get at it, not with anything, not even the idiot box numbs me for long anymore. no one get its.
THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME!!!!!!!!
i just want to die, kill me, someone anyone. i dont want this i cant, i just cant. i cant tell my mom about laura, i cant take the shame the look she would give me. I would be her 'sarah' anymore, i would be someone else. her gay confused kid. not the one she can tell her friends about. the one who gets A+'s on term papers. the one who earned enough money to go abroad. no her confused little dyke. oh fuck me. this is just bull shit fucking bull shit. school is about as important as life, not at all. i just, i just cant. . . do anything... nothing. i cant even pick up a safety pin anymore without the memories. the fear of being sucked back into that vortex of pain that overlaps all the other pain. right now im just holding onto the ledge of the normal world, but my arms are so tired. i just want to fall, i need a little more time to stop caring. then i can drop out, let my whole family hate me. not go to college, not do anything, maybe run away.. where? mexico, maybe, chile i dont know. my life is just too much.
shut up shut up, i know everyone's life is hard, im not special. no not special. just sarah, the girl with long brown hair and a stubborn personality. i wish i could show this to laura, but she is too far gone, so far away from me. i dont even know her anymore. she has changed so much.
i almost walked home today. 5 miles. my legs only burned the first 3 or so. you know how fat i am? i am 5'5" and weigh 175. pretty damn fat. a year ago, in chile, i miss it so fucking much, i was 150.
i need a bullet. just one, just one...